We recognize that many people will, at some point during upcoming breaks, be visiting family of some sort. While family can be an important source of comfort, social justice is a topic that can be very tense, particularly if our family has not examined their privileges. We encourage you to reflect on how you’ve approached these conversations, what we know about how/why they happen, and ways that you can prepare for future conversations you undertake.
Reflect: How have you responded to critical conversations in the past?
How do you normally respond to conversations that become tense? What about when you’re talking about social justice and equity? We call these equity-focused conversations “critical conversations” (rather than “difficult conversations”) because the discomfort we as allies might feel, while valid, is not comparable to the experiences of marginalized communities. The privilege you have in your identity (and the relationships you have) position you as one of the most important influences for encouraging others to become allies. You may be the first person talking to a loved one about a particular issue or may be the first to talk to them from “the other side” so intentionality can go a long way in at least opening them up to other understandings of the world. If we avoid these conversations because of anticipated discomfort, we are putting our own comfort ahead of those to whom we say we are allies. It is our duty to lean on the privileges and trust we have in our communities to challenge others with privilege by engaging in these meaningful, critical conversations.
Learn: Why do critical conversations about social justice become tense?
A fundamental aspect of any conversation about social justice is a recognition of systems of oppression and privilege, including how you benefit from your position within those intersecting systems. Being faced with the reality of social hierarchy and marginalization can create immense cognitive dissonance for those who have not previously unpacked their privilege, including making them feel as though their position in life was not earned.1 When people with privileged identities are faced with the cognitive dissonance associated with uncovering their position(s) of privilege, it is not uncommon for them to engage in behaviors like denial, deflection, rationalization of privilege, intellectualization of privilege, defense based on one’s “principles,” false envy, benevolence about privilege, and minimization of the reality of privilege.2,3 How these defenses are deployed can also be examples of how people (sub)consciously use their privilege to protect themselves from scrutiny (e.g., white women who weaponize their tears for sympathy while being called out for racism).4,5,6 Recognizing these defenses is a key step in preparing for social justice conversations, so that you know what to look out for.
Change: Preparing for critical social justice conversations
- Consider what’s holding you back: There are numerous reasons, besides the potential for a negative response, that prevent allies from even considering whether to broach a social justice topic with their friends and families. Before attempting to have a conversation about inequity, ask yourself how knowledgeable you feel about the topic, how strong your relationship is with the other person, and how you might address conflict should it arise. The Southern Poverty Law Project provides self-assessment tools to identify what might be holding you back from having critical conversations. Being upfront with yourself about your comfort on topics of diversity, equity, and social justice will better prepare you to have critical conversations and should be a regular practice of self-reflection that reveals areas for growth on your own allyship journey.
- Use the ABCs of critical conversations: We can all become more intentional about how we approach conversations about privilege, inequity, and social justice, starting with the ABCs of Crucial Conversations – Agree, Build, Compare. AGREE points to identifying commonalities between you and the other person. It’s not that you agree with their argument, but rather might share values apart from the issue. BUILD translates to building on this commonality by pointing out missing pieces of information. Perhaps the other person is missing key information about the experience of a marginalized community, and you introduce these experiences as additional layers to the issue. COMPARE emphasizes looking at how your positions differ and encouraging empathetic perspective-taking. Consider how you might incorporate the ABCs when addressing the 8 defenses of privileged identity we mentioned earlier.7This handout has helpful tips!
- Be Prepared for Repetition: If you expect every critical conversation to turn out with the other person jumping completely over to your side, you will often feel like you failed. As an ally, you understand that allyship is not a jump, but a journey of building awareness and unpacking your previous way of thinking. While you should never placate someone’s attempts to erase privilege, you also can’t expect them to jump to a new level of awareness immediately. In fact, research has shown that critical conversations are most effective when two things happen afterward: 1) when the dissonance and discomfort one feels turns into internal reflection and 2) when the conversation is accompanied by support to make sense of dissonance.8 If you have a critical conversation about social justice with someone, give them time to reflect and then check in with them later. Ask them what they’ve been thinking about that issue, invite them to share their reflections, and share resources to learn more. Consistently supporting the allyship journey of those around you will be a more effective pathway to change.
Additional Resource Recommendations
- Book:Promoting Diversity and Social Justice: Education People from Privileged Groups (2nd Edition) - Dr. Goodman details theories and strategies around conversations about social justice with those who hold privileged identities.
- Video:A storyteller’s approach to facilitating conversations on Racism – Lachelle King shares her experiences as a social justice educator and the power of storytelling.
- Article:Want to have better conversations about racism with your parents? Here’s how – This article has important tips about critical conversations that can apply to all social justice realms!
- Podcast:How to Have Difficult Conversations (A Bit of Optimism) – Simon Sinek interviews David Harris about how we can make space for meaningful conversations about social justice issues.
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